‘I Decide’
‘Bye mother, I have
made my choice, I hope that for once you’ll be understanding. This is what I
love, this is what I want to make out of my life.
Unfortunately
what you have taught me and what I do believe is that each of us must always
know how to live alone, and through his own ambition reach his goal. I am
scared mother, I fear I am not independent still. This is why I need to go
away, this is why I need to leave. So here, I go with all my hopes and dreams.
I hope you believe in me, or you’ll learn to do this, because I do. I believe I
can. Maybe you have not been so close to me these last years, which have been
the most important ones of my life.
Here I am, now, the
end and beginning of it all. I am a child, I am your daughter but before
anything else I am myself, I decide. So why for once, now that I am gone don’t
you try to understand that I am the one who knows what’s good for me. I want to
do this out of my life. I am now leaving, to go elsewhere, where I will really
be useful, where I will really be able to make a change.
I am not that
far from you, because obviously I’ll have pleasure in seeing you, I love you, I
am your daughter anyhow. I am your daughter, but I am not yours, from a while
now, and now forget holding me down. I’m bright, I know that and I hope you
trust me as you have always done. I’m ready and I feel I have to go for this
life experience, I have to learn the whole rest on my own, I’m sorry, you have
done enough, it’s my turn.
There’s
nothing you can do, I am sure of what I’m doing. There’s no more telling me
‘you don’t know what there is out there’, because I am sorry to tell you I know
much more than you do, because this is my time, these are our days and ‘what’s
out there’ is our world, the world I am aiming to change. I want to make this a
better world, I have this opportunity and I want to make the best out of it, as
you have done your best to give me the best possible, and now you are here
stopping me from getting the best I can.
Has this got any sense?
Why? You are
jealous of that world, that now is calling me, and that world where I desire so
bad to be part of, me , myself, alone. You gave me life and now you are trying
to steal my independence, does it make any sense? I am not following the man I
love, don’t worry I am not that naïve.
I want to see the
world, not only from my bedroom window anymore. There are people out there that
need help. That is what I want to do, and I don’t care honestly about the whole
lot of people you know and the distant members of my family that can give me a
job as soon as I come out of university, easy easy, straight away, I don’t want
that. I want to work through it hard, my life I mean.. I want to live at top
speed, I want to give up everything I need to, to become who I want to become,
I’ll be the best, I promise, and sorry mother, I don’t want to remain the best
for you and father, I want to be the best I can become, I have potential and
believe me when I say I know it best than you do.
This is
not where I want to be right now, I don’t belong here now, don’t think you are
ever going to hold me down, I am kicking down all the fences, I am going to do
it all, even if it’s too much and if I mess the whole thing up, well you know
what? It’s my life. I’m running it, and my heart and mind tell me that my
ambition is far from here, and where to achieve it is even more distant.
Thank you for the
love you have given me the last 17 years, thank you for making me the person I
am now, and thank you for teaching me all this ambition, this determination,
for teaching me what risk is, for educating me to always wanting the best,
thank you for opening my eyes, because trust me, you might not know, but my
parents, you, have made me the way I am right now, and here I am, determined as
ever, I am sorry I am going.
I will miss you, no doubt, I’ll miss the city that raised me, my hometown,
I’ll miss the friends that have been with me all my life. I don’t believe
people when they say ‘Don’t worry, you lose your old friends, you make new
ones’. I am sorry father, I don’t believe that although I’ve always smiled back
when you said that. I believe lots of the things you said, and I don’t believe
many of the rest of the words you spoke.
You might be
right, but I’m just like you, I’m stubborn, and yes daddy, me and you are the
two most obstinate people in this world. You should know, that until I don’t
get hurt myself, until I don’t fall myself, until I don’t miss it myself, until
I don’t fail myself I won’t believe in what others say. I know I can do it,
I’ll live by myself and I’ll become a woman by myself, I’ll find my man. I’ll
decide how to live, I’ll decide who I love. Choice is mine and no one gets to
make my mind up, you know this more than anyone else, right?
This is the end of the
little girl, and here a tear rolls down my face, but it won’t stop me, I’ll
drown my sorrow and here I’ll go, with a smile on my face, because this is
certainly, the only thing I want to do, this is the only road that I am going
to take, I am going to make my own mistakes and so it is, your daughter is now
no longer your girl, but right the moment you’ll hear this tape, there will be
a girl, with a mother and a father behind her and in her heart.
She will be catching a plane towards her future, with a smile on her
face, her memories in her heart and blank space to write her life that’s about
to start in her eyes. The little girl has grown, I’ll always smile as that
little girl, full of happiness, because I know what I want to do, and I know
that you agree, because you do love me like I do and respect all I’ll do.
From this moment on, I’m alone, and then I won’t come back, I’ll have my
own house, I’ll fight for what I believe is right and for what I have worked
tough for all this time, I’ll have the man I love besides me, my sons that will
leave me only 17 years after they are born if they wish to, and I’ll be who I
want to be. I’ll come over with all the family, just wait for me, I’ll knock at
this door and demonstrate to you, mother what wonderful woman you gave birth
to.
It is time for me to go to sleep, or I won’t wake up tomorrow, right
daddy? I’ll go to sleep for one last time in the bed of my childhood and that
bed that you made yourself daddy, and that bed where mom, you always tucked me
in. And for the last time your daughter will sleep in that bed you made
yourself daddy, that bed where for the past 17 years you tucked me in, right
mom?
Goodnight mom, goodnight Dad. I love you.
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